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This mother didn’t let one group, or her own social anxiety disorder, stop her from finding a faith community that would love, accept, and nurture her family as their own. She visited a different type of church, and her second church visit was an answer to prayers.
This mother’s story reflects the
struggle many church searchers face, especially special needs families. Though I cringe at her first church experience
and rejoice at her second, I also know that there are some things she could have
done differently to avoid that first experience entirely.
Here are three things we can learn
from this story:
1. Don’t buy based
on a slick advertisement. This mother
was attracted to her first choice from a billboard that projected positive community
images. The billboard did its job – it got someone to notice and relate to a
specific “ideal.” She then did a really smart thing and looked at their Twitter
page. Great idea and one I encourage highly. The Twitter page put words to the
billboard’s image: “Come as you are you’ll be loved….” This synched with the
billboard message, so she did another really smart thing. She visited without
the kids. She noticed the friendliness of the people, the kids’ program area
for her other son, the worship music, and the overall “family” worship culture.
Everything seemed to line up with the original billboard advertisement and the
Twitter messages. So she brought her children and her sister (another good
strategy – enlist another set of eyes and ears) with her on a return visit. And
this is where it all fell apart. The “ideal” ran smack dab into the “real.”
We know that churches are made up of imperfect people, even when
they don’t acknowledge it. We shouldn’t expect it to be a perfect example of
human relationships or the best fit for everyone, even when the ads and
messages make those promises.
2. Don’t think
that “everyone” includes you. After reading this mother’s story, I looked at her first church’s
Website. I wanted to see which populations were being called to this body of
Christ. I started with the obvious – there was no mention of ministries for
special needs families, including children’s ministries. This group obviously
was not focused on ministering to special needs families. Then, after reading
the limited information provided under Worship, Small Groups, Beliefs and Values,
it became clear this particular body felt called to reach people of no faith
backgrounds. Their ministries were designed around a specific population which requires
a very different approach than does one ministering to special needs families. And
even though this mother thought her family could fit with the first group, the
group was not prepared (or willing, based on their behavior) to shift their
focus to her needs.
This church might be doing great Kingdom work, but it is not going
to do it with special needs families. And, in fact, no church can or should be
everything to everyone. God calls each church to minister to specific
populations and needs. The healthy churches do a few things well for specific
purposes and people; unhealthy churches try to be everything for everybody and so
wind up not doing much well at all.
3. Don’t blindly
believe your needs will be meet. Ask first!
By the mother’s second visit, she had learned a thing or two more about finding
the right faith community. She went from not being “sure if they [the first
church] were really equipped to handle” her autistic son to “the first thing I
did was ask if they were special needs friendly” at the second church. And, “They
were. Wholeheartedly so.” Funny thing is that after checking out this church’s
Website, I found no indication of them being in ministry with special needs
families, either. But, sometimes groups never “institutionalize” ministries.
They just naturally and organically welcome, accept, and adjust to more fully
meet the needs of a particular population.
If you have specific life stage or spiritual needs, ask a group
how they can help meet those needs. For example, would your child be in a typical
classroom or a special needs class for Sunday School. I suggest you ask these
questions even before you visit.
By her second visit, this mother
didn’t try to force-fit her family into a faith community; she openly expressed
her family’s needs to see if there was already a place for them. And there was!
I love hearing stories about people’s
church searches. Good or bad, we all can learn how to be better searchers on
our journey to discovering God in a faith community. The Church Guide website
offers other tips, tools, and strategies to help church searchers find a faith
community where they can grow spiritually. Please check it out and use the
resources freely.
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